It's Ok to be Sad...

So, I've been feeling sad.  I put off writing, hoping that week one of my little Happiness Project would lend itself to more happiness than it has thus far.  However, it is now Tuesday, the 7th, and I have resigned myself to the fact that my first week did not go as planned.  And after a good deal of contemplation yesterday, I realized that even though I am working on being happier, sometimes feeling sad is ok.

The past month or so has seemed like a big, long, drawn out, stressful trial for me.  It started before Christmas, and is on-going, and I have been feeling this undercurrent of sadness that seems to always be just below the surface, eager to rise up and swallow any positive feelings I have if I'll let it.  I'm thinking that's probably why I was drawn to the Happiness Project book when I saw it on the shelf.  Something about the idea of working towards happiness -- and the concept that it DOES actually require WORK to be happy -- appealed to me.  The author, Gretchen Rubin, begins her project by working on her energy, and I decided that it seemed a logical place for me to start also.  Specifically, I want to work on eating healthier, getting more rest, and clearing away the clutter from my house to improve the atmosphere and energy in my home. 

I realized rather quickly that my three babies have obviously not read The Happiness Project, and were definitely NOT on board with these resolutions I've made.  In fact, after a week of trying to work on the resolutions, I've come to realize that maybe at this point in my life, these are not the most attainable or realistic goals I could have chosen.  I mean, come on...MORE REST??!!  SERIOUSLY??  Who am I kidding?  Immediately upon making this resolution, both of my girls came down with ear infections.  Which, in turn, resulted in lots and lots and lots and LOTS of cranky screaming at all hours of the day and night.  You can probably guess that this is not the most effective sleep aid.  And because they've been super needy, Ovaka, OF COURSE, has been like a human suction cup that doesn't want to let me go ANYWHERE alone, because CLEARLY if the other two are crying and want to be held, it only makes sense that he should cry and want me to hold him, too, right?  So, these little curve balls coupled with the fact that I had already been feeling down about some other non-baby-related issues created a kind of energy-vacuum that seemed to suck what little energy I was previously able to muster right out of me.

But, my epiphany that it's ok to be sad came not because of the personal stress I've been feeling, but rather as a result of my contemplating the struggles of my loved ones.  This has been a truly heartwrenching week for several of the people I care about, and I've been super sad for/concerned about many of my friends or family members who are struggling under much greater weight than the burdens I've been carrying.  I have become aware of multiple friends who were/are pregnant and received devastating news about their unborn children, had both friends and family members lose close loved ones, and had friends or family members of friends suffer serious, life altering injuries.  The trials of my loved ones have been weighing heavily on my mind, and last night as I thought of these people that I care so much about, I wondered how feeling sad because they were hurting fit into the grand scheme of my resolutions to be happier.

As I was turning this idea over in my mind and trying to reconcile the ideas of pursuing happiness vs feeling sorrow because of my own trials as well as the trials of my friends and family, a bunch of Bible and Book of Mormon verses started coming to my mind.  It's funny, because it seems like the more I pursue happiness, the more open my mind is to spiritual ideology.  Well, I guess that's not actually all that funny.  Or surprising.  It only makes sense that if "men are that they might have joy," (2 Nephi 2:25) and I am seeking to be happy and joyful, then greater spiritual awareness would be the natural consequence of striving to do something that God wants me to do.  Anyway, most of the biblical verses that came to my mind were from the epistles of Paul.  Oh, how I love Paul!  I took a New Testament class at BYU that turned me into a big Paul superfan.  I love his steadfastness.  I love his unwavering resolve.  I love that he threw himself wholeheartedly into the cause of whatever he believed to be right, and that he had the humility to recognize when he was wrong and change his course.  His conversion brings to mind a saying that I've heard Oprah say many times.  It is something along the lines of, "we do the best we can with what we know, and when we know better, we do better."  Now that I think of it, I'm pretty sure she was quoting Maya Angelou.  But don't quote me on that.  ;)  At any rate, there were several little nuggets of wisdom that Paul imparted to the Galatians and the Romans that bubbled up in my mind as I was thinking last night. 

I was thinking about my Aunt Sue and my cousin Adam, who this weekend had to put their dog to sleep that had been their companion for the past 16 years.  I was thinking how silly it seemed that I had been crying over a stupid dog that I didn't even particularly care for, and wondering why I was such a big crybaby.  As I was tearing up YET AGAIN just thinking about how sad Sue looked when I saw her, a verse from Romans 12 (ok, ok, I had to look up the scripture...I am admittedly not a Biblical scholar, but I DID know that it was in the Pauline epistles!) came to my mind.  In verse 15, Paul encourages the Romans to "rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep."  AHA!  This is the first part of my "it's ok to feel sad" epiphany.  If we are instructed to "weep with them that weep," then obviously some sadness is acceptable.  I had unwittingly been feeling guilty about the fact that my happiness project hadn't magically transformed my life into one big happy shiny never ending broadway musical, but this short passage eased my mind a little bit and allowed me to feel ok about being sad.  Conversely, it also had the beneficial effect of making me feel HAPPY about my crybaby-ness, as I realized that we are commanded by a prophet to cry with those who are crying.  (I come by it very naturally -- my mom is quite possibly the biggest crybaby I know.  Not in a bad way.  In an I'm-sad-because-you're-sad kind of way.  Ok, maybe I'M the biggest crybaby I know.  She would definitely be a close second, though.  Whatever.  Moving on...)

The second part of my epiphony is found in Galatians 6, where Paul instructs the Galatians, saying, "bear ye one anothers burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ...And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap , if we faint not.  As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men..."  I realized that by crying with/for those of my friends who have been struggling, I was doing my part to "bear another's burdens."  I think, also, I realized that by sharing in the burdens of another, we are sometimes able to find meaning in our own struggles.  I've been thinking a lot about one of my friends who miscarried last week, and her current trial brought back feelings I had when I miscarried.  I think that although the pain and sadness of my experience will always be there, it has made me more sensitive to and empathetic of the needs of others who have had a similar experience.  But this morning as I was pondering the passage in Galatians, I realized that just sharing a common experience isn't enough.  The rest of Galatians 6 is what really brought everything together for me.  "Let us not be weary in well doing...and if we have opportunity, let us do good unto all men."  I think this is the key to my epiphony that it's ok to be sad.  Yes, I've been feeling sad.  And, quite honestly, weary describes the mood of my entire week (ok, MONTH) quite nicely.  However, although it is ok to be sad, that sadness should move me to ACTION.  In order to "bear the burdens" of those that I've been mourning with, I need to take the trials as an opportunity to "do good."  So, that is my new resolution for the month of February.  If I can't find a way to get more sleep or keep my house clean because I have three screaming banshees hollering in my ear, I resolve to at least generate more positive energy by taking the sadness I've felt over the struggles of my loved ones and using it as an opportunity to do good.  I will bear the burdens of my friends and family and "faint not," and I will ACT so that they know that I love them and I am thinking about them.  It's not enough just to feel sad.  The important part is choosing to ACT.  So, there you have it...my epiphany.  It's ok to feel sad.

I hope this post didn't thoroughly depress you.  In an effort to bring more happiness to your life as well as to mine, I will leave you with a few pictures of my funny little munchkins, and bid you all a good day!

Sweet kisses from my funny Ovaka.  True story: last night, he came up to me and did this very thing...put his chubby little hands on each side of my face, puckered up, leaned in...and then SNEEZED A BIG LOOGEY ONTO MY FOREHEAD!!  AHAHAHAHA...super gross!  Best part?  I don't know who was more surprised, him or me!

Another picture of my cutie pie Ovaka

Funny little sleeping girls with cute flowers on their butts

HAPPY GIRLIES!

Oh, how I love my sweet helper Ilaiasi.  Such a good big brother!

Elva Kalea minutes after getting 3 immunizations.  Definitely NOT HAPPY.  (but still cute)

Sweet Kamila cried herself right to sleep after her shots.  Look at her big wet eyelashes.  :(

AAAAAND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

This is currently my favorite video of Ovaka dancing.  This guy swears he should be a member of the Disney Channel tv show Shake It Up.  :)

BECAUSE OF or IN SPITE OF?

I can't remember if I've said this in my blog or not, but I've decided to start my New Year's Resolutions in February this year. January has been, and will continue to be, my planning period, as I am cooking up something really special for 2012.  I've been reading like crazy, and I have some REALLY good ideas for what I want to do.  I just have to organize those ideas into one cohesive, massive project.  Have any of you read The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin?  I'm almost through with this book, and it will be the foundation for my 2012 Resolutions.  I'm also reading a really beautiful book called A Simple Act of Gratitude by John Kralik, and I'm hoping to incorporate elements from this book into my project as well.  Anywhooo...I'll update you on my resolutions as soon as I get them down on paper and organize them coherently.  But, in the mean time, I have an interesting question for you to consider.  Typically, when I begin reading and pondering a subject, ideas about that subject seem to inundate my brain from all directions.  Such is the case right now as I strive to better myself and create a happier, improved version of myself in 2012.  A question was posed to me the other day that I've been thinking about a whole lot ever since:

Are you who you are today BECAUSE OF the people in your life, or IN SPITE OF them?

In other words, do the people around you lift you up and encourage you to become the best version of yourself that you can possibly be, or are you striving to become a better person even though the people around you are (either intentionally or inadvertently) weighing you down or holding you back?  Isn't that an interesting question?  I had never really thought of the people in my life in these terms, and it has really made me step back and take a good look at the people I've surrounded myself with and the relationships I've fostered and nurtured.  I'm happy to say that, for the most part, I think I am who I am today BECAUSE OF the people I've let get close to me, with only a few exceptions. 

This question, in turn, made me think about my role in the lives of others.  Am I the kind of person that others would say helped them become better people?  Or would they say that they have become who they are despite my influence?  My mind immediately went to coaching and teaching, and I started wondering how much of a difference I really made in the lives of those I've taught.  It's funny, but I think the years when I struggled the most are the ones where I made the most difference in the classroom. 

My first year of teaching at Magnolia West HS was such a challenge.  I was given classes FULL of kids who, to me, seemed to be striving to survive or even excel IN SPITE OF the people around them.  My students struggled with absentee parents, poor choices in friendships, even other teachers who had written them off as "stupid" or "problem children"...the list seemed to go on and on.  These kids seemed to have so many problems that teaching them the content of my class seemed kind of trivial and ridiculous.  How do you teach a kid whose parent just went to jail AGAIN for selling drugs to care about what is going on in South America?  How do you get a kid who lives in a tiny trailer with no electricity and has never traveled outside the area of his zip code interested in Chinese culture?  In the grand scheme of things, did learning World Geography REALLY matter to this group of students?

I think it did.  Not because they will ever need to identify a fjord in real life...they will probably never travel to Scandinavia.  I can't imagine many of them having a practical use for knowledge about quipu (for you non-geography buffs, quipu were these cool knotted cords used in the Incan empire for record keeping even though they had no written language...yeah, I find this stuff fascinating...I know, I'm a nerd.  I've come to terms with it.)  Realistically, they probably won't ever even need to use most of the information we discussed about the United States.  However, I do think that it was important for me to teach these concepts to this particular group of students.  I think the message I sent that very first year at MWHS was this: YOU MATTER.  YOU CAN LEARN.  YOU CANNOT JUST SLIP THROUGH THE CRACKS IN MY CLASS BECAUSE YOU ARE IMPORTANT TO ME.  I hope that some of these kids felt my love for them, and that it made a small difference in the way they saw themselves and in the choices they made.

My mind was also immediately drawn to the kids I've coached.  The girls I had my very first year as a club coach will always have a special place in my heart.  I was blessed with the most amazing little team of 13 year old girls that year, and they have since grown up to become the most wonderful, talented, smart group of young women.  Who they have become, in my opinion, is a testament to the many wonderful people they've had in their lives.  I have seen first hand the HUGE advantage kids with involved and interested parents have over kids who lack this support, and this team of girls had some of the best parents ever.  Many of the moms and dads I got to work with that first year helped shape who I am as a parent today.  These were people who, through their example, became "BECAUSE OF" people in my life, and I hope that I was able to give back to them by being a "BECAUSE OF" person to their child.

So, to you, my one or two loyal readers, I pose the question:  Are you who you are today BECAUSE OF the people you've made important in your life, or IN SPITE OF their influence?  And, likewise, are others that share their lives with you better off BECAUSE OF you, or IN SPITE OF you?