tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4107587216459491535.post4556567962533637133..comments2019-02-03T13:24:28.536-06:00Comments on The Pink Persimmon: Fitting in...Kalanihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11748529540363379111noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4107587216459491535.post-20748508960277998092012-03-22T13:01:06.986-05:002012-03-22T13:01:06.986-05:00Oh, Dianna, I'm sorry you were bullied! It...Oh, Dianna, I'm sorry you were bullied! It's funny because growing up out here in the middle of nowhere in Texas, I grew up having light skin and wanting to be tanner. When I got to Utah, it was so weird to have people tell me, "oh, don't go outside...you don't want your nice light skin to get DARK!" I remember thinking to myself, "um...like hell I don't! That's kind of the point!" Hahaha. It was a big culture shock to have my light skin seen as an asset. And I also had people make comments about how I wanted their boyfriend or their brother, and I remember thinking on several occasions, "I've never even seen you OR your boyfriend OR your brother in my entire life. What on earth would make you think I was interested in them?!" It took a while for me to understand that that was just the way things work over there. I think you're really lucky, though, that you got to spend time with your dad's family and learn the Tongan language. That has been such a hardship for me. It really, really sucks to sit in a room, know by their gestures and facial expressions that people are talking about you, and not be able to figure out why. Slowly over the years, I've picked up enough words that I can usually follow the general concept of a conversation, but it would have made my life infinitely easier if I had learned the language as a child! <br /><br />I loved your insight about parenting. This is exactly what my husband and I struggle with! I, too, would love for my kids to have a dad who is affectionate to his girls and a quiet teacher to his sons. It's a process, but we're slowly figuring out how to compromise on our parenting techniques to find what works for both of us! Thanks so much for your comment...I enjoyed reading it!Kalanihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11748529540363379111noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4107587216459491535.post-29688135697669447712012-03-22T12:29:11.008-05:002012-03-22T12:29:11.008-05:00Monica, I think you hit the nail right on the head...Monica, I think you hit the nail right on the head when you said that the difference is the way in which Tongans and palangis view your opposite sides. To palangis, my Tongan side is "exotic" and "interesting." To Tongans, my palangi side is just "wrong." I hate, hate, HATE it when Tongans dismiss it as being my "palangi side" when I do something they don't like. It drives me batty. It's funny, though, with the whole skin color thing. My experience has been that this is pretty much the ONLY palangi trait I have working in my favor. And my kids are teased for the opposite reason: Ilaiasi is referred to as the "black" one of my kids (in a very derrogatory way), and it makes me so angry because when I look at him I think he has the most beautiful brown skin. If only I were as naturally "tan" as he! :)<br /><br />I, too, could go on for days, but I won't. I'm just glad there are others who can commiserate with me. I do love so many things about the Tongan culture. I hope that I can teach my children the wonderful parts, and shield them from the parts that have been hurtful to me in the past -- or at least teach them how to to cope with these things better than I do! Love ya Monica!Kalanihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11748529540363379111noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4107587216459491535.post-23644013676593335922012-03-22T09:26:02.457-05:002012-03-22T09:26:02.457-05:00I too feel ur pain! My mom is Spanish/White and my...I too feel ur pain! My mom is Spanish/White and my dad is Tongan. We were raised with my dads grandmother & my mom, so it was definitely confusing! While mom was at work, grandma was watching us & we were ONLY allowed to speak in Tongan to her. My mom on the other hand raised us like palangis, Buuuut my dad was VERY involved in the way we were raised. He talked about his culture, he took us everywhere (Tongan functions) we lived in a predominant Tongan neighborhood. So it wasn't hard to fit in with the Tongans, cause we grew up with them all around us. What was hard was the close mindedness that they had, and I didn't. My mom is very outspoken, she wants us to speak our mind, and we did...to Tongans that's a no no...u don't matter cause you're palangi. So they don't care what's on your mind when u present a different idea or thought, they're like ok...looking at u like she's so palangi! Ughh it's annoying, but I understand that they were raised that way. Being biracial has made me as a parent very overprotective of my kids. I was bullied from Elementary by Tongan girls to Highschool!! Because I am hafekasi which makes me light skinned, I'm the most beautiful girl to Tongans! (crazy I know) but that's how they feel. So every girl thought of me as a threat. Every day it was " you think you're so pretty huh, bit$$) or " you like so and so huh, well that's my cousins boyfriend, so back off" I would even get "u like my boyfriend?" and then they would try n fight me! Mind u I was 110lbs!! & they were like 210! Lol so now my kids go to a predominately Caucasian school, Because I don't want my kids having to deal with that. I want them to go to school and not worry about getting beat up everyday because of their skin color. I know that my past doesn't mean that's their future...but it has put up barriers for me in my life. When asked my race I say American lol cause that's what we all are. I love being Tongan, I love my Spanish/white side, and hope to do the spanish/white genealogy someday. I'm proud to be biracial, but it has it's downfalls. I married a Tongan guy as well & we disagree on lots of cultural issues because I want to raise my children the American way, & he doesn't. I love the Tongan culture, but not completely. I think there are too many rules, too much ridicule, shame, and low self esteem that come with the culture. I want my daughter to wear a swimsuit at the pool, and not be ashamed of her body, I want my son to date around outside of his race if he wants, I want my kids to have fun playing together, and not boys with boys & girls with girls. I want my husband to be an affectionate father to his daughters, and a quiet teacher to his son. The Tongan culture shuns these things. I don't know why, but it is what it is. Like Monica said u just take the good, and go with it :) great blog post though, very touchy subject for sure. Thanks for letting me vent too lol.pwincessdihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15291773831875651948noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4107587216459491535.post-88267427147313164292012-03-21T19:13:19.505-05:002012-03-21T19:13:19.505-05:00Haha, it's so true, we always felt like kindre...Haha, it's so true, we always felt like kindred spirits with you guys,too! You guys are kind of our favorites ;) I did save that paper...but I'm not sure where, so I will search for it....Evahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01149610755959351604noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4107587216459491535.post-52562237182501090782012-03-21T07:39:28.561-05:002012-03-21T07:39:28.561-05:00Great blog Kalani. I probably am that person who ...Great blog Kalani. I probably am that person who can totally and completly understand what you're feeling and talking about. I was raised with more of my Tongan culture than my palangi one...but even so, I still feel a little bit of an outsider of both. I remember in high school once, my teacher asked me how it felt being biracial....and the only thing I could think to say was confused. To palangi's I'm viewed as Tongan and to Tongans I'm viewed as palangi. The only difference with that is that (and this is just my own personal feelings) when palangi's view me as Tongan, it's not a slam or a slap in the face...it's more of an interest that I have another culture. When Tongans refer to me as palangi, it's usually in a mean derogative 'she's not good enough' kind of way. And yes, it bugs the hell out of me! My mother in law is the worst...she always introduces me as her 'palangi daughter' and I hate the tone in her voice when she does that...makes me feel little or less than her full Tongan daughter-in-laws, and even after 10 years of being married, it still bothers me. When I do something that they don't like, it's always because of my palangi side. I think what bothers me more is that they make my Makai feel bad for being light-skinned, and they tease him making him feel like it's a bad thing. Ugh, sorry....I could go on and on about this subject....very touchy and very close to home. I'm proud to be biracial though, I've learned so much from my mom and from my dad. I love the Tongan culture and I'd probably say because we were raised with it, and I married a fob...lol...that I live and practice a lot more of the Tongan culture practices (like only wearing shorts and t-shirts to the swimming pool....not going into boys rooms....not watching tv with male brothers/cousins) it's just how I was raised, and it's normal to me. I agree with the comment above though, it's different with Tongans in America and Tongans in Tonga...and even between the different village in Tonga. I guess it all goes back to how the parent's and grandparent's viewed palangi's and what has been taught and instilled in the minds of their posterity. Either way, I LOVE being biracial. I LOVE my Tongan side and my palangi side. I guess the trick is just to learn to take the best from both cultures and try to teach our children those traits...and hope that they will find their own identity taking the best of both worlds. Sorry for the long rant, I actually could have written a lot more, but I'll stop right there....hahaha....love you Kalani!F-A-N-G-U-P-Ohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07255954539524456489noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4107587216459491535.post-35156342518156703322012-03-21T05:34:44.021-05:002012-03-21T05:34:44.021-05:00Eva! I'm so happy you commented...not only fo...Eva! I'm so happy you commented...not only for your wonderful comment, but also because I have now discovered YOUR blog! YAY!<br /><br />To be honest, I've always thought that of all of my cousins, your family had the most in common with mine. Maybe it's the volleyball connection in addition to the biracial aspect, but I just always felt like we were all kind of kindred spirits. :)<br /><br />I would love to go to Tonga and experience the culture there. I think you're right...I would come away with a much different perspective and with a greater appreciation for many of the aspects that I don't fully understand or appreciate right now! I'm going to expose my nerdy side and ask you if you happen to still have your "Biracial Perspective" paper. I'd love to read it if you do! (I'm a huge nerd and saved all of my papers from college, but I realize that not everyone is so dorky, so if you don't have it, don't worry about it!) Anywhooo...love you tons and thanks again for your insightful comment!Kalanihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11748529540363379111noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4107587216459491535.post-12726212138999145192012-03-21T05:21:25.925-05:002012-03-21T05:21:25.925-05:00Jana...yes, they didn't seem weird to me eithe...Jana...yes, they didn't seem weird to me either until I moved to a place where there was a big Tongan community! I can only speak from my experience, but from what I've seen it seems like most of the Polynesian cultures have a stricter code of modesty than what I was accustomed to, but Tongans seem to take it to the extreme. In very traditional Tongan households, the gender roles are very defined and very strict. Girls stay at home with the women, stay covered up, have very specific activities that are "appropriate" and "inappropriate," etc.; whereas, the boys have a lot more freedom to come and go as they please. The household is very divided along gender lines...brothers and sisters do not interact the way they do in "palangi" homes. They are not allowed to watch tv together, they do not ever go into each others' bedrooms, they don't interact much socially. It's just very different from what I was used to, and it came as a big surprise to me when I moved to Utah! :)Kalanihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11748529540363379111noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4107587216459491535.post-55268115810923978902012-03-21T01:56:54.821-05:002012-03-21T01:56:54.821-05:00Oh my cousin,
I do love this. And I do Completely...Oh my cousin, <br />I do love this. And I do Completely understand. Ditto. <br /><br />Because it is related to my field of study, I once wrote an entire paper on the "Biracial Perspective". In summary: you are right, there are pros and cons to being a biracial individual. However, it does commonly leave you feeling like you never quite fit in. <br /><br />But what really helped me, was going back to Tonga. Because when we were there, I realized that Tongans in the States act differently than Tongans in Tonga. And Tongans on Fuamotu act different than Tongans on Va'vau. Why? Because no single person has a monopoly on "Tongan-ness". The Tongan culture is alive, and so it is dynamic, changing and adapting. Which is what a culture needs to do to survive assimilation. <br /><br />At times in a group of Tongans (for me at least) I am uncomfortable because I feel like I am being weighed and measured. Like they are looking at me and thinking "hmmm, yes she's maybe only 25% Tongan, 50% on a real FOB day, but she is white really" but truthfully, my identity is my own, and only I can tell people what I identify with. I know my Tongan roots. I know what I find valuable and worthwhile and important in the culture. And I know what I Don't. And the funny thing is, that most of these intense "Modesty" issues that you and I both disagree with aren't even really "Tongan". They are ideas brought to the islands and handed down by early (male) Christian missionaries who wanted the heathen natives to cover up! But it's been long enough now, that Tongans themselves have forgotten that many of these traditions are a cultural adaptation. <br /><br />(Sidenote, when you mention the feeling like you can fit in with almost any culture, this is common for biracial individuals. The idea behind it is that being multicultural helps you to appreciate diverse cultures and doesn't make you mired down to one particular perspective.)<br /><br />Anyway, I'm not saying I have all the answers, I'm always trying to figure it out, myself. Sometimes it can bum me out, sometimes I'm so intensely proud to be Pure Tonga... But, it's nice to have someone else to talk to about it ;)Evahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01149610755959351604noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4107587216459491535.post-51928031855426216822012-03-20T19:30:16.158-05:002012-03-20T19:30:16.158-05:00I am totally curious now what the Tongan alternati...I am totally curious now what the Tongan alternatives to your "Palangi" actions are, because they didn't seem the least bit weird to me. Obviously, I am not Tongan... :) Are the super modest rules common among all Polynesian cultures, or is it specifically Tongan?Janahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17871574719941281258noreply@blogger.com